Chapel at the Jesu Maum Retreat House, Paju, Korea
I
was brought up in a Buddhist environment until I was 17. It was just
a matter of going to the temple when there were things to pray for. I
had a difficult and unhappy adolescence because the Korean War broke
out, changing my life completely. I began to complain about
everything to my mother, but at the same time I felt very guilty
about doing this. When I had a chance to talk about this to my friend
who was Christian I developed a desire to be forgiven of these guilt
feelings. I went to the Catholic Church and after six months
instruction I was baptized. During my ceremony of Baptism I had a
strong experience of forgiveness. It was a real experience of God's
love which gave me a conviction of salvation through Jesus Christ.
As
I began to practice my Catholic faith and tried to live faithful to
the teachings of the Church, I was filled with scruples. In that
time Korean Catholicism was influenced very much by the Society of
Foreign Missions of Paris. These missionaries had been influenced by
Jansenism. So I fell into a vicious cycle of being conscious of my
guilt and desiring to be forgiven. In order to be a good Christian I
felt that I should feel guilty about even small things I had done
wrong; little weaknesses. I used to go confession every week. I was
suffering a great deal but I thought that I should suffer this way in
order to be a saint. I wanted to sacrifice myself, which for me
meant offering my whole being to God. Therefore, I entered religious
life happy to make any sacrifice for God. When I entered I was always
a very serious person and a strict observer of the rule.
After
Vatican II, I began to have questions about my theology. The idea of
salvation from sin is at the foundation or roots of Christianity. It
influences the image of oneself. At this time in my life I found I
had a conflict within myself regarding the teaching of Jesus ...
"love your neighbor as yourself". I could not love or respect
myself. I was too busy finding my faults in order to be humble in
front of God. Therefore, in my prayer, I would only see my weakness,
limitations and selfish desires. I used to say to God, "I will be
better. I will try to be humble, selfless, devoted to others." I
would try to let go of my desires and empty myself before God. I
would acknowledge everything as my fault, asking God for His
forgiveness. I would make a resolution that I would be better but I
was not changed and continued to do the same thing again and again.
The formation I received in the Society was different from my earlier
instruction and it helped me to respect my own being. However, it
would take time before I could change my old habits.
When
I had a chance to learn Buddhist Philosophy and begin to practice the
Zen way of contemplation I had a feeling of liberation. Buddhist
practice or aim is the concept of Liberation from Ignorance. From the
very beginning, illusion comes from Ignorance of True Self. We are
attached to our ego self which is not our True Self. Our ego self is
non-existent, but we still hold on to it as if it were our True Self.
Therefore we suffer from ignorance. The essence of salvation is
thought to be an "awakening" that our True Self is Buddha Self.
At that moment you have arrived at truth. Therefore the ultimate
purpose of Zen contemplation is connected with enlightenment:
"seeing" into the truth of reality. For me this was a real
experience of awakening.
I
have been practicing the Zen way of prayer for 30 years. I have
discovered how I suffer from the prison of my own thinking. I was
suffering from attachment to my ideas, conditions, situations which
brought greed and anger. Thought is always changing, but I was
attached to my thinking as if it was truth. It was my "ideal
person" who was relating to God. It was not the person I was or am
who was in relationship with God. Now I stop thinking in my prayer.
Instead I am just aware of myself and what is happening in the
presence of God.
Spiritual
transformation is a profound process that doesn't happen by
accident. I need repeated discipline, a genuine training, in order to
let go of my old habits of mind and to find and sustain a new way of
seeing.
Almost
everyone who undertakes a true spiritual path will discover that a
profound personal healing is a necessary part of their spiritual
process. When this need is acknowledged, spiritual practice can be
directed to bring such healing to body, heart, and mind. The Buddha
and Jesus were both known as healers of the body, as well as healers
of wounded hearts. It is natural to face our wounded hearts by
practicing a Zen way of prayer
My
Zen meditation has helped me face my own wounded-ness and weakness,
to accept it and embrace it without blaming of myself or others who
cause me suffering. It also helped me to face my fear, my desires, my
anger and temptations. I have been learning to transform the rubbish
in me into the fertilizer for new life.
Now
in daily life I just practice consciousness ... of my breathing.
Breathing in, I know that I am breathing in. Breathing out, I know
that I am breathing out. This technique helps me to keep my mind on
my breath. As I practice this consciousness my breath becomes
peaceful and gentle. My breathing is the link between my body and my
mind. By concentrating on my breathing, in and out, I bring body and
mind back together and I become whole again. Consciousness of our
breath is presence to the Holy Spirit. "Yahweh God shaped man
from the soil of the ground and blew the breath of life into his
nostrils, and man became a living being" (Genesis 2:9) I believe
that in my breath is the Spirit of God. When I breathe consciously I
recover myself completely, encounter life in the present moment and
appreciate the "life" God gave to me. I can practice conscious
breathing not only while sitting in a meditation room, but also while
working at the office, walking here and there or sitting on a bus.
Wherever I go at any time throughout the day I can practice this
consciousness. For me this is a way of praying every moment of the
day. It helps to keep my heart at peace and whenever I need to pray
for somebody who is in need, I think of them and send my peaceful
breath to them without saying anything. The practice of Zen is to
help me find release from self and suffering and give rise to wisdom
and compassion so that I share self and compassion with others.
I
will share my experience during my long retreat in the way of Zen
contemplation with you. What I wrote after this retreat shows how to
come to understanding and enlightenment. This retreat was to discern
the will of God at the moment that I had to make a decision. It would
be easier to explain if I could talk about the story of "Searching
for the Ox" but I do not have time to explain everything here. It
was real spiritual journey.
My
journey began with trying to find the will of God.
I
began to talk to the Lord. I asked if He would show me His will so
that I might obey him.
I
cried out to the Lord to show His will to me but there was no
response. I faced His silence.
I
began to be angry with Him.
I
began to grumble to Him, "Where are you?"
All
of my unhappy emotions surfaced.
Suddenly,
I was aware that I was slave of my emotions.
I
saw that I was screaming at God; asking Him to enter into my
emotions.
This
was fabulous! (It is one step towards enlightenment.)
As
I was freed from my emotions, my journey to find the will of God
continued. Thinking that my heart would be polished like a mirror and
that I would be able to see God, I continued my journey with a firm
heart.
As
I continued to polish my heart I realized I was commanding God to
show Himself in my heart! How suffocating! How stifling! I lost
heart.
With
ultimate effort, I continued my journey. I began to offer my heart to
His will. I screamed "Your will be done". My heart and body was
exhausted. I felt I had nothing to offer. There was endless silence:
I was filled with a feeling of failure, frustration and hopeless. I
felt that I had been forgotten by God.
I
had to go through this crisis of faith; an endless darkness, feeling
the way was blocked. I realized ( Another level of enlightenment),
that this was an evil temptation and I shouted out "Go away"!
(It is always very difficult to experience temptation and doubt, to
feel useless and want to go home. Therefore it is very important to
be accompanied in your journey. Traditionally the dark night arises
only after we have had some initial spiritual opening.)
I
continued the journey but my energy was exhausted... "I commend my
spirit unto you!"
Silence,
silence. What is happening! I have no heart to offer and there is no
one who can receive my heart! This experience of nothingness was
liberating. I had nothing to say. I experienced the whole Universe
as one; a unity. You and I and nature are one.
"The
entire universe disappears and later reappears by itself. This
release from all sense of self and form brings enormous peace and
shows us a freedom beyond all form and all limited existence."
This is the experience of spiritual leaders.
When
we face ourselves with this reality and are aware of it we will know
what to do with it.
When
you know your self objectively and recognize this self, accepting it
and taking care of it, you can let it go. If you know what you are
holding on to and realize it is only rubbish, then you do not hold on
to it so strongly. You can let it go more easily. It is awakening
from ignorance therefore Buddhism is telling us that our suffering
comes from ignorance. If we awaken from this ignorance, we will be
free and liberated from all kinds of disillusionment.
In
order to arrive at this point we need asceticism in our daily life.
It is a spiritual exercise and we need to practice so that we will
not give into the desires of our ego self. When we become aware we
are less likely to fall into this trap.
We
can find this process of spiritual awakening in the Bible. Jesus went
through temptation. Later we see His awareness of the unity of all
things. His prayer was: "May they all be one, just as Father, you
are in me and I am in you, so that they may also may be in us, I
have made your name known to them and will continue to make it known,
so that the love with which you love me may be in them, and so that I
may be in them." (John:17, 21-26) It is the desire of Jesus
therefore it is possible to experience it.
Son
In Sook rscj
General
Council, Rome
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