I am in His hands and I trust, believe and hope.

On the 50th anniversary of my profession I renewed my vows with this formula, which I found engraved in the depths of my heart:

Today I would like to proclaim the “mystery” of God’s love in my life and reaffirm the meaning of the everyday and the simple. I wish to renew my trust in the God who makes life fruitful for the Kingdom and transforms in His own way: weaknesses and omissions as well as commitment.

Today as I renew my vows I would like to hand over in complete trust the rest of my life and to tell everyone:

‘I am not afraid
God is there and loves us,
everyone without exception,
we all fit into His Heart.’

This is why, with these convictions and in the joy of my faith, trusting in the protection of Mary, Sophie and all my sisters, I renew with all my heart the vows which I have made, and I ask the grace to be faithful until death.”

And today as I consider how to share with you, I’m amazed at the sight of my life’s journey.…Where did it come from, that profound belief in the love of my God? How did I come to be reconciled with my weaknesses and my sin? How did it grow, where did it come from, the grace of feeling that I was in the hands of God my Father?
And gazing…gazing inward, I see the time of my happy childhood and youth, with eleven brothers and sisters, many cousins, a loving, suffering mother who died when I was 15 years old and a father I adored… That liberal, non-practising “papá” given by God, planted in my heart a first seed of freedom, joy and sense of humour…

Time went by and that seed kept growing underground, not flowering, but being prepared in the mystery of the riches and contradiction of a somewhat hard and demanding formation.

And the years flew by until there came the “change in religious life”; the spirituality of the Congregation was taking on new directions, and my seedling was ready to flower… My whole life was converted into a song: God is love… and He loves me as I am, as my papá loved me… I am His daughter…

And as I kept on gazing within, I came to the time of the 1967 Chapter… I was nominated as a delegate and went to Rome with the remembered joy of a probanist: the “Maison Mère”, the Via Nomentana, the waiting-room of Paradise…

After a little while I began to see that among the provincials and delegates there were “situations” I knew nothing about… the Society was going through an internal crisis, a time of suspicions… I was aware of sin, but also of grace. There in that weakness was the Heart of Jesus, guiding us once more towards the “little Society”… He gathered up our sin, embraced it, made it his own, until we could experience that “the grace of this Chapter is humility”. God’s Kingdom needed “powerlessness” in order to grow…

Finally, I draw attention to the grace of the time I stopped being Provincial. I felt ill, out of place, ignored, power had given me the illusion of a full life… Today I consider that powerlessness was and is a tremendous grace. I grieved at leaving what I thought belonged to me, I was painfully letting go. And a veil of solitude forced me to look at Jesus as the Only One…

Today at 85, I feel fulfilled, without power, but with great joy, humour and freedom. In the Province I feel I am loved. I am “Queen Esther”…without power, but with much love.

I live in the Villa Jardín Community, sharing with the suburb and the College, I am a historical reference point for the girls who are making their experience of Bethlehem (postulancy) in the community.

As I await the final call I’m afraid of the suffering, but I repeat my trust in the Lord’s faithfulness.

I am in His hands and I trust, believe and hope.

Esther Sastre rscj,
province of Argentina - Uruguay